Sometimes you just need to pack up take a deep ass breath and say fuck it. No one is going to understand you.. maybe probably ever, and that's just fine. Just understand that all is working out even if you can't see it. Get high off your own supply essentially. There's no way out, the only way is through, and the only way is in, get comfortable with your demons. Get familiar with your fears, get familiar with your insecurity and allow yourself to breathe and let yourself find yourself, and allow yourself to be free, free of unwanted energy, free of low ass men, free of people who don't love you, free of people who just won't get it, and will anyone ever? Are you the only one there for you truly? Is that it?
Are you the one willing to rescue yourself and save yourself in absolute truth and certainty, and fill yourself up with light and harmony and peace and magic aware that you're a human with faults and stay grounded in your own energy unaware of the obliviousness of your reality, unaware of the obstacles in your way, who is there to save you when no one else is there, who is there to be there when no one else is there, who will have your back when no one else is there, who is truly qualified to serve your highest truth, highest destiny and highest quality and feel the river of destiny unfold and feel the truth screaming in and allow yourself to feel pleasure and pain allow yourself to feel the truth and feel the screaming soul inside your body looking to be unleashed and respected not tamed and sane. You are looking for matches. You are looking for something respectful, honorable, true and you. And I'm the one who's done something so wrong here.
What is wrong and what is right and what is true, learning about the reality and you're finding out the truth about life. What is the truth. What is truth. Who are you. Fantasizing, is not reality. Unrealistic ideas. Relaxing yourself and trusting the divine unfolding, trusting the world to deliver you something spectacular and amazing and unforgettable and just for you. Why do we want something that's going to satisfy us personally. That's going to feel perfect just for us. Just us. No one else. That's it. Possession or freedom.
What is the nature of that and where can I go deeper into feeling just truth and feeling just freedom, away from disillusion and enter into the cave of bliss, joy, freedom, love and just not explode or implode on myself and find that truth within, that can not be shaken. That can not be stirred. That is wholeheartedly and concretely without fail. Kryptonite. Uranium. Finding that clutch of rocks. You don't feel close to anyone because you can't get close to anyone, how are you supposed to really get close to anyone? It's impossible. You have to have those boundaries within yourself where you're discerning between fiction and fact, truth and reality. Taking care of yourself, taking care of your health, coming into alignment with your truth and not giving a fuck about anyone else. You feel like you have nothing, like you are not in the right place, like you are not honing your skills, like you are not doing what you should be doing, like everything is going to shit and you can't see a way out, and there's absolutely no where to escape to, because you have to be free with yourself and find a place within that is free, that is without bother, that is pure, that is undiluted, that is not frustrated, that is home, that is alive, that is supported, that is loved, that is guided, that is safe, that is magnetic, that is secure, that is true, that is asking for too much? That is not human? That is unsupported? That is not comforted, that is unloved, that is indirect, that is discerning. You are a human, and that is just it. You are here to fail and make mistakes, there is no perfect person, there is no one who is going to save you, there is no one who is going to make it okay, that's the ugly truth.
You're dissatisfaction with life is telling you something. It's telling you that you are here to discern. Wounded masculine. Walking around with a hole in your chest. Walking around with bruises, walking around with gaps.
Trying to solve the riddle, solve the puzzle. Feeling so pissed and upset and you can't even come to conclusion about any of it, because you are alive and here and now and definitely want to feel dead at times, but it's just the fact of life that you are looking at the shit and just observing it. There is no perfect. There is no perfect. And blame won't save you. What can you do then? What can you do? Just forgive, accept and move on? Sounds simple enough, but is that true? Is that realistic? Is that in all actuality the case of the reality? Upset get pissed get upset? Like whatever. We all have problems, and dillemas and faults but is it perfection that will save us? No probably not, but are there solutions, yes, and will they take time, yeah. But it's worth the wait.
You're carrying a heavy load and you don't even realize it, trying to find time to just figure out life. I used to think about monks, and there way of being in general, how can they be such a way, and it's so confusing to the California native woman person who is trying to figure out a way, Being of the earth, being a human, but not of it at the same time because connecting to much in a sense is not enjoyable. You are of it but not of it. Finding the balance between here and there. Finding the balance and letting go, truly just letting go and almost letting the universe decide for you, letting your higher self lead the way, letting that part of you be more in charge because the other way leads to unhappiness, dissatisfaction, rumination, confusion, uptightness, stress, non, just confusion in general. You're just wanting a divine soul mate, a divine connection, someone to be there no matter what, someone to lift you when you can't lift yourself, someone to challenge you but comfort you, that feeling of truth and knowing there there for you no matter what, not going to stray, it's that commitment, devotion, trust, purity, alignment. flow, give it the goodness, give it the truth, give it the part of you that is without fail 100. 150%. somewhere somehow someway, is that realistic? is that true? Is that "out there"?
Am I drifting? It's al too unreal. But at the same time not. You're trying to get there mentally or allow your mind to reach that point, but is it a way you can do that? Is there a way that can be. You open your heart up to hurt, failure, mistrust, betrayl, you allow that to be the force in which you know. Gambling on what, gambling on love, gambling on life. Is it a real thing? Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to begin. The actual feelings of YES!!! The actual feelings of ecstasy. The actual feelings of orgasmic bliss and passion burning through out your whole body, the actual feelings of CLARITY, the actual feelings of love, the actual feelings of concrete substantial happiness, The actual feelings of bliss, the actual feelings of harmony, the actual feelings of gratitude, the actual feelings of passion, the actual feelings of purpose, the actual feelings of peace, the actual feelings of "correctness", the actual feelings of radiance, the actual feelings of beauty, the actual feelings of feeling good enough, the actual feelings of feeling worthy, the actual feelings of feeling good, the actual feelings of feeling good. the actual feelings of feeling fine, the actual feelings of feeling perfection, how would that even feel, "perfection" like what is that, what is perfection, perfectly falling into place everything works out in my life everything works out in harmony and it is glorious, is that true, will that be, where can you find a perfect world? In a magazine? On a cereal box?
Like where does that even really exist, is that even a thing. It might, if you put your mind to it long enough, but this world is not perfect, it just is, you have to find all the good things in the long run. You have to be grateful and humble enough for the good stuff, you have to be adequate and authentic and enough. substantial, not broken in pieces. Rebuilding yourself the right way, learning to dissect your anger, dissect your fear, dissect your raw true emotion and not hide it or mas it or gloss over it and act as if it doesn't exist. Learn to let go and no that even if you feel alone and even if you feel unloved and even if you feel this way, it will pass, you are not alone and you are not unloved, the right people will come at the right time, the right people who are supposed to be near will be near, the right people who are supposed to get you will get you, this is your soul tribe, your people will find you and lift you up just as you do, the right people will click with you and get what you say even when you can't find the words to say it, and see through your ego, see through the limiting side of you, the hurt side, and find the truth of your infinite light and let you see that and experience it first hand, and show you the way into your grace. Know that you are beloved and beautiful and pure and authentic and true and one of a kind.
Even when you don't feel that way, no that you are that way. just breathe your way through it, aligning and waking to truth is messy brutal and hard. And it shows you things you don't want to see, but looking at it and knowing there is more positive than not is enough to embrace.
